Do we really love God?

Do we? Do we truly love Him for the simple fact that He is God? Or is our love for God limited to when things are going well? i don't know if I'm weird but I always seem to find myself closer to God when things are going downhill. It seems like I only turn to God when I can do nothing else and I've lost the illusion of being in control. I'm afraid sometimes of things going well because I tend to assume that I had something do with the turn around and somehow something within me was responsible.

I think this may stem from the fact that when all I have left is God, it seems like a necessity to be with Him. When things are going well, I've been trained that it's obligatory to study the Word and pray. Yet when I fail to maintain consistency, I feel guilty. And I don't know if you're any different than me, but I when I repeatedly feel guilty and see no way out, I just stop entirely. So often, my answer in recent years to to just not bother with it.

I mean, I am saved after all...but I remember how I use to chase after God and no one could keep me out of Scripture.

I wonder sometimes if I don't have amnesia and all my head/theoretical knowledge has replaced the heart that I had for God so long ago. What will it take to get back to living in the presence of God with the unchanging and undying knowledge that I am His and He truly longs for my presence, too? I think that I need to get back to a true understanding of God as the only Father I've ever known. The same God that rocked me to sleep in His arms after I was beat by my step dad. The same God that held my hand and gave me strength when I faced brain surgery. I want to love God for no other reason than He is God and to understand that He loves me for no reason other than I am me and I am His.