First Step to Authentic Manhood: Looking Back

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted and I do apologize for that. But I am back to expound on some of the experiences I've had during my journey through Men's Fraternity. During session 3, we were challenged to take a look back over our lives and a statement stuck out to me and it was this: "The unexamined life is not worth living." I have always been huge on introspection because often times, my own mind was the only company I ever had. The main problem I had for a long time is that I didn't allow myself to feel anything but anger because otherwise I felt shame for things that I had no control over. It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I allowed myself to feel the pain of what I went through as a kid. And man was it hard to fully deal with emotions I didn't fully understand. What was sadness and grief? Growing up and raising a brother and sister....I didn't have time for those emotions.

Robert brought a couple of main points about the observations looking back. For a long time, I felt so alone but I had to realize that my story is not unique and I am not alone as a man. Another is that an absent dad leaves a hole in the boy's psyche and very few men every want to lift that manhole cover to deal with the junk floating by underneath. Many guys have yet to reckon with their past or close out the unfinished still left there. The absent father doesn't guide us to deal with the hurt and pain so we shut it out and don't deal with it. One thing that struck home is this..."Denying your feelings rather than grieving over your pain is not manhood, it's boyhood." I had to step up to the plate and allow myself to be broken and accept the help of others. "You cannot become a real man without help. There is no such thing as a 'self-made man'." One of the greatest truths that was spoken in this session was that "we may be products of the past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it...unless we choose to be."

Through the help of friends around me (namely Eric) I have come to accept who I am as a man and though I may make mistakes, I am becoming confident in who I am. That I think is one of the greatest struggles for many men in the world today. Feeling that they are men and confident in their conviction of that truth.

Faces of Manhood

I am currently going through the first stage on a program called Men's Fraternity. In our second session we discussed the four faces of Manhood: the King, the Warrior, the Lover, and the Friend. One of the things that we learned in the first week is that manhood is in a state of confusion. I can see this clearly, especially in my life, as I've discussed and reflected on my past and where I am today.

I would say that out of all the faces, I can identify most with the Warrior (initiative, protecting, providing, perserverance, and fighting) because that's all I've known most of my life is the constant battle to survive. My weakest face would definitely have to be the King because I never grew up believing that I was worth anything to anyone. I never had a King in my life to show me how to be a man....how to have righteous leadership. I believe that I have strong convictions and a servant's spirit but I have always struggled with making courageous moral choices. Until the last two or three years, I had no idea how to be a Lover or a Friend because I didn't have time to learn. Eric has taught me what it's like to have another male affirm me as a man and be willing to grow next to me, giving and willing to receive affirmation and constructive criticism.

This journey over the next year is definitely going to be a rough road, but I think that I will come out on the other side a stronger and better man for it. I am looking forward to being able to grow and live life with other men around me. One of the cool things about Men's Fraternity is that you have the videos and then you break it down in your small groups and get a chance to discuss what you've watched and just life in general. It's been amazing to watch other men open up and get real with what's going on. People always say that men are typically simple creatures and we have simple needs but I think it is an over generalization or maybe the fact that men are so complex at times, we don't know how to discuss our intimate desires and concerns. Who knows? I look forward to writing about what I learn over the next year.

Why?

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"For we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

These are both Scriptures that people often use to comfort one another during times of grief. It's often followed by the whole cheer up, God is on your side kind of thing. But you know, sometimes life can really suck! And that's completely OK!! That whole quote that 'God will never put more on us than we can bear' is found no where in Scripture. If He never put more on us than we can bear alone, why do we need Him? I think the major problem with a lot of 'Christians' is that they get happiness and joy confused. No where in Scripture does God say that He is here to make us happy, but that He will provide a never ending joy within our hearts. You can be at your lowest point in life and still have joy. Happiness is circumstantial and as I'm sure most people can attest, life's circumstances aren't always a walk in the park...but that doesn't mean we can't experience joy. Look at Christ in the Garden...he didn't want to die on that cross but he knew his Father's will was for the best so he faced it.

I've never met my real father and the step dad I knew for most of live was severely abusive. From the time I was five years old, I had to raise my brother and sister and be strong for them. That is something no five year old should have to endure. My stepdad didn't like me very much because I stood up to his drug addiction and alcoholism. One of my most vivid memories is him beating me in his mom's kitchen, kicking me across the floor, while my mom stood in the corner laughing. It was his mom that pulled him off of me. Then there was the constant ridicule from people at school because all I wore were sweat pants or jeans with long sleeve shirts because I didn't want anyone to find the bruises. Or the brain surgery when I was a sophomore in high school. Now I'm sitting here and writing this, alone again except with the knowledge that God has a plan. But that doesn't make it any easier to bear emotionally. I just thank God that He has given me the opportunity to begin surrounding myself with men that will speak into my life...helping me to understand who I am supposed to be as a man. Something I've never had...thank you to all those who have made yourselves available.

Life between the Mountains

The hard times in life....
Why is it that we as a society hate a challenge? Why do we insist on running away or refusing to do something when it doesn't work for us the first time exactly the way we wanted it to? I have to admit that I've fallen into this trap many times, but I would like to think that I'm able to endure a bit of punishment to see things through. Perhaps this is because I had no choice growing up what I went through: the abuse from my step dad, the ridicule from kids at school, the self doubt because my dad decided to not stick around, the lack of a true identity...the list grows on and on, yet here I am. I don't really understand why I am the way that I am and how I can have to outlook on life that I do except that I choose it.....but why?

Everyone likes the mountaintops...the beauty, the majesty, and the accomplishment. But living up there for too long can hurt you, even kill you. Ever noticed how in real life that almost no vegetation grows up there, very few cultures ever live at the summits of mountains? It's down in the valleys where life truly grows, where the plants and animals flourish. Sure it can be difficult and treacherous, but if you survive...the rewards are amazing. But that still brings me back to my former question. Why do some of us choose to take our situations and become better while others use them as excuses for poor decisions? Is there something within me that others don't have? Is it my faith? That question stumps me as well because I see those who have been through troubles and those who have lived fairly sheltered lives and are Christians yet still are some of the most pessimistic people I know. Ever worked in a restaurant on a Sunday afternoon after church? It's sad to say that as a whole, the 'body of Christ' are some of the most ungrateful, unappreciative people that the workers in food hospitality will ever meet.

My life right now is probably at one of its most difficult stages because again I am faced with many challenges for which I wasn't prepared. I've lived through at least three divorces but that still doesn't prepare you for the self doubt and self blame that you experience. I am in the valley and I know it...so my only logical response would be to figure out a way for me to grow and survive. I think it is this mindset that allows me to forgive and have empathy so easily (though that is something I struggled with for a long time towards at least one person in my life). It is so frustrating, yet at the same time so exciting that every question is answered with yet another question. I don't know if I'll ever have answers to these burning queries of my heart and perhaps that's the way it's meant to be....perhaps not.

Another Stage in this Journey

Life.....
If there's anything I've learned about it over the last month and a half, it is that very few things are permanent or absolute. People come in and out of your life like a breath of wind. And then there are those people who you didn't really know cared so deeply until they see you hurting. For those of you who may read this and don't know, I am going through a divorce. I hold no ill will or feelings towards Sarah and I honestly hope that she can find joy and happiness in this life.

To walk into your home and suddenly have a portion of your identity just torn from you is a very powerful blow. I never truly realized how much of myself was wrapped up in caring for Sarah, even though I may not have always done it perfectly. I would imagine it would be like going to sleep being able to see and then waking up blind. I obviously don't know what that is like personally but it's the best comparison that I could think of without making light of the situation. In the time of the Romans, sailors would throw four anchors off each side of the boat during storms to keep it steady. The anchors would allow the boat to ride with the waves rather than against them. While I know that I can survive, Sarah had become one of those anchors for me and it was like having it just abruptly cut. My boat has been weathering the storm, tossed by the waves, but I am still alive.

I have to thank the people that have stepped up beside me over the last month to help anchor me down and give guidance when it was needed: Beth and Eric, Michael Bayne, Brandon Trull, Jonathan Jeans, Ron, Betty, Bryce and Erinne, and Meg. All of you guys have poured so much love and compassion into me that I can still stand strong in the middle of this. Thank you again.